I don't know where to begin or how to fully explain my faith into well-formulated sentences that make sense to anyone who can't read my mind.. but I'm going to try.
My belief in God goes way beyond attributing him for the "daily coincidences" or the "right place at the right time" moments that happen to me day to day. I see God in literally everything. It didn't just come naturally after I committed my life to Him, though.
This semester, I started this daily routine where I wake up at the butt-crack of dawn (okay, not really, it's actually like 7 a.m., but still..) and I have quiet time. Sometimes I get ready for the day and head to Starbucks or go to my school's dining hall. Other times I literally sit in the hallway of my dorm with a cup of coffee. I read my Bible, pray, write in my journal, occasionally add in soft worship music, and just be still--for about an hour.
Growing up, I had always looked at older Christian influences in my life and assumed that they were super spiritual and probably had a 3 hour quiet time every single day. So, naturally, I'd always wanted to be like that--someone that people can look at and say "wow, she must be really close with God." However, the term "quiet time" that most Christians use to describe their time alone with God had always intimidated me. I thought I could pray anywhere at anytime? What do you mean I have to sit still for long periods of time for God to listen to me? Is a half hour of my time really worth the sacrifice of having a close relationship? These questions always tore me away from praying at all, for a very long time. I had always thought that being the Christian I wanted to be took too much work and that I was perfectly content in my spiritual life with only believing.
When a person becomes "saved," I feel like there's this weird assumption that their life dramatically turns around in the complete opposite direction right that second and they become this super great Christian with this wonderfully inspiring testimony.. but that is hardly ever the case. In my own life, I probably couldn't point out the day I became a believer in God nor could I give you the year, or where it happened. I didn't have a life-changing moment at the alter or a significant spiritual conversation with a believer that made me realize that I need God in my life. Nothing great happened.. I just, grew up in church.
I have mentioned this in previous posts, but because I grew up going to church (and liking it?!), all of my non-Christian friends new me as "the church girl" or "the one who would probably just die if she even laid eyes on a bottle of alcohol before she turned 21." Because of the way most people labeled me, I painted this picture in my mind of myself as "the perfect Christian" and that "nothing I did in my life could cause me to be wrong with God." As long as everyone else knows I believe in God, I should be good, right? Like, isn't that what "living for God" is? And people can see that, so doesn't that mean I'm also advancing the kingdom of God? I'm fulfilling my purpose on Earth, right? Right???? Yeah... no.
I think it's safe to say that no matter how old you are, you're always learning, always observing and always changing. Your life will never be a constant of anything. I've learned quickly that spiritual life evolves in the say way. I think it's healthy to have questions about religion, not know answers to a lot of things, and sometimes dislike certain aspects of it. Of course, that doesn't mean these doubts or frustrations should cause you stray further from the source.. or in this case, God. They should cause you to investigate. Faith is believing in something without seeing it or needing tangible proof that it exists. Not knowing the answer to a lot of spiritual-based questions but still believing with your entirety in God and His plans, is faith.
So wait - why do I get up so early? Having 9:10 / 9:45 classes all week can be brutal if you're waking up 10 minutes before class, rolling out of bed and scrambling to get yourself ready in time. Suddenly, that person who didn't hold the door for you is on your hit list and if looks could kill, that kid in your math class talking way too loud to the person behind them might as well be dead.. 8 times.
I found myself having this problem a lot last year. My earliest classes turned out to be my least favorite and anyone who interacted with me for more than 5 minutes before 11a.m. probably thought I was the world's biggest jerk. I wanted desperately to change this but knew I couldn't do it by my own power. I became obsessed with the thought of becoming "a better person."
A few weeks ago, when my wonderful mentor brought up the idea of having a daily quiet time, 19 years of shunning that term boiled in my blood and it took everything in me to not run away from the scene. Are you crazy? I have five classes to take every week, a job on campus, a weekly radio show to prep for, and a leadership position in the Christian fellowship. Do I really have time to set apart specific time for God? Well, the answer was yes. Apparently you're never too busy for God. I began to think of all the times during the day when I'm not doing anything that I could set aside 15-30 minutes for personal spiritual growth. Since my schedule is different from day to day, I knew quiet time would never become routine if it wasn't at the same time.
Deciding to wake up 2 hours before my first class, daily, was such a huge deal for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I definitely am not a morning person. Like I said, I can't really function before 11a.m. However, over the course of training myself to wake up early, I learned to love it. It's amazing how much spending time with Jesus can change your outlook on life.
If I can set apart time to hang out and spend time with my friends, why couldn't I do the same thing with Jesus?
I love my quiet time because it always reminds me that God should always be the first thing on my mind every day (and in every circumstance)--even when it's super early in the morning and you've got 3 midterms coming at you in just a few hours that you know you didn't study enough for.
A few days ago, one of the students on campus crashed their car into the side of one of the academic buildings. The first thing I did when I heard what had happened, was pray. I knew God was looking over the driver, her passenger, everyone in the classroom that got hit, and even the officers consoling her but I also knew that in the midst of everyone making jokes about this horrific situation, at least one person had to ask God for healing. Thankfully, no one was injured and everyone walked away from the scene.
Last weekend I swiped into my building after classes only to find a girl carrying (what seemed to be) her half of the contents of her dorm, down the stairs. I offered to help. She politely declined my offer.. but instead of shrugging and walking up another flight of stairs to my dorm to escape the crappy week I was having, I followed her down to the ground floor and held the doors for her since she didn't have any hands left. She was so happy to tell me she had been carrying things to her car all day and I was the only one who bothered to hold the door for her.
My definition of becoming a better version of myself gradually went from "being friendly to every person I make eye contact with because that person might be having a crappy day" to "being friendly to every person I make eye contact with because God loves them just as much as He loves me even though they don't know Him."
It's so humbling to see that God doesn't love me any more than the girl down the hall who practices voodoo (for example) even though I'm an active member of the Christian fellowship group on my university's campus who also wakes up an hour and a half earlier than I have to, just to spend time with Him.
I mean, think about it. The friend you spend the most time with, know the most about, and have the closest relationship with, is probably your best friend. Jesus doesn't play that game. He doesn't pick favorites and he doesn't put anyone on a higher pedestal. He is the perfect best friend, role model, Lord, savior, and father we never had.
I know that I've got a lot of room for improvement and of course I know that I'll never be perfect, but Jesus changed my life.
I'm a happier person. And for the first time in my life, I love the direction I'm headed in.
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