Fear of The Christian Label

So just as a warning, this is going to sound more like an unorganized rant than a blog post, but whatever.

I can't really pinpoint when it happened but sometime during high school, my core group of (non-christian) friends found out I was a Christian. Ohh, so that's why she doesn't curse. I don't want to say I was made fun of, because it never bothered me, but I was called the "church girl" or "the christian" on (what seemed to be) a regular basis. For a while this was awesome to me. Everyone knew not to invite me to parties, offer me alcohol, ask to copy my homework, or ask my opinion on controversial topics. Everyone already knew my answer. I took a lot of pride in being known as the Christian. At some point I think I even started using it as an excuse for practically everything.
But as soon as someone saw my bad side or as soon as I started trash talking somebody, I got the classic phrase "wait, aren't you a Christian?" or "Woah Emily, what would Jesus do?"
For sometime I thought this was humbling. Oh, my friends know how careful I am about my relationship with God so they're just keeping me accountable, right? I was feeling like I had to live up to the image of Christianity that my friends - and the world - thought it was.

Being a Christian doesn't mean I never get my feelings hurt, or that I never lie to people. Loving Jesus and valuing our relationship doesn't make me think I'm perfect.

Graduating high school and moving on was weird because I was entering a place where no one knew my religious background. I wasn't sure how to approach that. I wanted people to know, but I didn't want to be the "perfect, too-good-for-everyone" christian that I was considered in high school. The first couple weeks of school I was invited to many parties, and offered a lot of things that I turned down. But this was expected. Most freshman tend to go overboard with all of this new-found freedom. As much as I didn't want to involve myself in any kind of religious group and maintain the reputation I had in high school, I certainly didn't want to be involved with the party crowd. Nothing against them as people, I just didn't want to choose what they chose to dedicate their life to for the time being.

Long story short, I quickly found myself getting heavily involved in a Christian fellowship group on campus. It seems that I was always involved with/ talking about this club that pretty soon, anyone who had ever talked to me on campus knew exactly what I believed in and who I was living my life for. Some people started to think they could change me, or that I was too good and they needed to level me out and take me to a party or two. Others reacted how everyone reacted towards me in high school.

No one wants to be judged for who they are, but if me being labeled as a Christian is going to scare people from offering me excessive amounts of alcohol, I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you.

But as soon as someone thinks that I'm judging them based on their choices, that's when I get offended. Who am I to judge you? That's not my job. That's definitely not why I'm here.

I've encountered a couple of people recently who, upon learning my Christian background, thought they weren't  "religious" or "God-fearing" enough to be my friend. As if I only associated myself with Christians and/ or thought anyone else did not deserve to be around me. So untrue. Hearing stuff like this breaks my heart.
I'm going to live my whole life knowing that I'm not in any way, shape or form worthy of being accepted by my God, but he loves me unconditionally regardless. Why should I expect my friends to try and be good enough for me? That would be completely hypocritical and not like me.

Ultimately, I know that I was born in this country, at this specific time in the history of the Earth, to fulfill God's purpose. He can't be down here with us. The only thing he could do to reach his creation was send his son Jesus, in the flesh, and now it's my job (as well as my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ) to preach the good news and spread Godly loved to every single person we encounter daily.

It's so cliche to say that "I'm not perfect" and "I will make mistakes" but as soon as the face of Christianity is soiled for someone because of something I said or did, I feel too much pressure to fix it. I'm slowly realizing that I don't always have to fix my mistakes for the sake of other people as long as I am right with God. And that is the most comforting feeling.

Another thing I noticed during my first year of college is that anyone will straight out talk to you about how much alcohol they've had, drugs they've experimented with, laws they've broken, things they've done with their boyfriend/ girlfriend, etc. Anything you want to know is practically yours to find out.
UNTIL they find out your a Christian. Automatically it's like oh she doesn't drink so she has no idea what I'm talking about or she's waiting until marriage, she doesn't know what this means and most often since she doesn't curse I feel the need to explain what this curse word means. Like hello I'm almost 19 years old. Yes I can be treated like a normal adult and yes I prefer that. I'm not any less informed about the world than you because I view it differently.

Sooooo yes, I am a Christian. But no, that doesn't mean you can hold everything I do against me. It also doesn't mean that I ask myself what Jesus would do before every decision I make.

I guess I'm just sick of people assuming before they actually know what I stand for. I can say for sure that about 98% of the people I've ever talked to about Christianity made assumptions about my life without asking me what I believe it stands for and how I live it out accordingly. And that has changed and shaped my relationships dramatically.

Music & My Life

They say you can tell a lot about a person when you look at the music on their iPod. In order to see how accurate this actually is, I put my iTunes on shuffle. Here are the first 15 that came on, without skipping a single one.

1. The Bastards, The Vultures, The Wolves - The Wonder Years
The Wonder Years are completely wonderful. Seeing them live probably changed my life a little. If I had to describe my taste in music using 3 artists, TWY would definitely be one of them.

2. My Lighthouse - Rend Collective
Ever since seeing this band live, I've loved their style. I've been trying really hard to listen to more Christian music because I've found that I really enjoy the stuff that I already have on my phone. These guys are one of my favorites. 10/10 would definitely recommend.

3. Million Dollar Houses (The Painter) - Pierce The Veil
Actually, I don't 100% know this song. PTV is one of those bands I was obsessed with for like, a month, but never bothered to learn every single song they've ever released. But of course I have it all on my phone, you know, just in case.

4. Complexes - Tonight Alive
I've discovered a weird love for female-fronted bands after hearing TA for the first time. Jenna McDougall is queen. Not to mention, they're Australian. Who doesn't love foreign bands?

5. Pompeii - Bastille
Come one, who doesn't have this song on their phone? #1 radio guilty pleasure, right here.

6. Holy Ground - Taylor Swift
I'm pretty sure there's a crazy high statistic about every teenage girl having Taylor Swift songs on their iPod. I can't relate to any of her songs but they're definitely super catchy. Plus she's an adorable human. Definitely in my top favorite solo artists.

7. Self-Conclusion - The Spill Canvas
Such a quality band, The Spill Canvas is. I honestly only started listening to them because one of my favorite bands talked about them all of the time, and I've only been completely impressed so far. This song is so beautiful yet so sad at the same time. And I love that.

8.  My Last Semester - The Wonder Years
TWY round two. Duh. They're great. This song is great. One of my favorites on this list for sure.

9. Lucky - Action Item
I used to be like, totally obsessed with Action Item back in my Allstar Weekend days. This song is over a year old but I don't think I could ever delete any their stuff even though I hardly listen to it. The entire Resolution album was definitely a good one. I listened to it in my car every day for a few months when it came out, during my senior year of high school.

10. Fall Down (feat. Miley Cyrus) - will.i.am
WELL DUH. If you know anything about me at all, it's that I'm in love with Miley Cyrus. Of course I have every single piece of mp3 greatness that she has graced with her outstanding vocal chords with, on my phone. Despite the fact that it's not actually her song, it's a total jam.

11. Hold On, We're Going Home feat. Majid Jordan - Drake
Okay, let's be honest. I make fun of people who listen to Drake all of the time. But I also may or may not have all of his albums. And I may or may not secretly listen to them all of the time. He's okay, I guess.

12. Keep You With Me - Hot Chelle Rae
Hot Chelle Rae?? This is usually a song I would skip on shuffle. I think keeping their music on my phone is because I refuse to let go of bands that used to be one of my favorites - no matter how long ago it was when I was into them.

13. Miss Jackson ft. Lolo - Panic! At The Disco
I LOVE PANIC! AT THE DISCO. Interesting that this song was one of the first on shuffle, it's one of the best off their newest album. I remember the first time I heard this song.. Ha ha ha. Interesting story. Remind me to tell you about it sometime.. Maybe, if you're lucky.

14. Violet - Paradise Fears
PF is definitely my favorite band and I'm honestly surprised they only came up once in the first fifteen. Violet is an older song of theirs - their music has taken a different route in the past year but I've obviously kept their old stuff. Because it's literal gold.

15. A Wake (feat. Evan Roman) - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Literally do not underestimate my love for Macklemore. I can probably recite every single lyric of his right on point if you ask me nicely. 100% favorite rapper in the entire game. No need for further discussion.

To an extent, I think this is a pretty accurate description of my taste in music. From bands I was obsessed with in high school, to rap, to Taylor Swift and alternative/ pop punk, that just about sums it up.
On the other hand, this list seems to lack Bring Me The Horizon, Of Mice And Men, The Summer Set, Megan & Liz, plus so many more other diverse bands/ artists that I listen to on a regular basis. I don't want to be that kid and say I listen to all types of music, but I'm definitely not opposed to trying anything.

The Over-Worked Student

Going into high school, I was like, man I'm going to be valedictorian of my graduating class. I'm a smart kid because I'm good at math! - But that was 8th grade graduate Emily talking illogically to herself.
No, I wasn't put in all honors classes during my first year of high school, but that never bothered me. Until now.
I took honors biology which was, ya know, kind of a big deal. And I was put in geometry. Most freshman took Algebra but I took that in the 8th grade. Anyway, I felt smart. I was a straight A student in middle school and a member of the National Junior Honor Society. Nothing in my life told me I couldn't achieve that 4.0 and beyond during my entire high school career.

This past semester of college I took Sociology. One of the few things I choose to still remember from that course was the chapter on education. It taught us that the way we behave in elementary school affects our placement in middle school; our performance in middle school ultimately creates our high school schedule; and the GPA we graduate high school with will, in fact, alter the affordability of college and/ or choose the university that we attend. I never completely grasped this concept until it became clear in this chapter. We obviously don't know it when we're 8 years old but the way we choose to act then can dramatically alter our lives in the next 10 years and beyond. Reading that, I remembered blaming my (very young) self for not ultimately becoming "the smart kid" in high school. So what happened? Why did middle-school-graduate Emily have more hope than about-to-graduate-high-school-and-go-away-to-a-college-that-she-was-still-sort-of-uncertain-about Emily? Well, I'll tell ya.

Freshman year was weird. It was a year of adjustment and learning. Not just learning by cramming useless information into my brain, but learning that life is a competition. Middle school Emily was very heartbroken to find out that she was not considered "smart" in this new place. Being placed into honors history for sophomore year of course gave me a huge confidence boost--but was it enough? I was only in two high level classes (science, and now history) and still one year ahead of most of my class in math.

Sophomore year changed my life. Somehow, some way, by some weird twist of fate, I ended up sitting with four of the smartest people in my entire grade at lunch. I had been acquaintances with some of them and we had a lot of mutual friends in middle school. Long story short, we all became good friends that year. Through them (and partially my honors classes) I started to become close friends with all of the really smart kids.

After learning to hate history, I dropped the honors, completely disregarded the thought of taking AP, and stuck to what I could handle. I remember feeling like my world was crumbling underneath me everyday in that class. I couldn't handle the heartbreak of failing another test that all of my friends were getting perfect scores on. (Literally. This is no exaggeration.) I was never one to be good at studying. No matter how hard I tried--and believe me, I tried so hard--I could not retain any information. I couldn't memorize facts or tell you what any of the 44(?) presidents accomplished. Everyone in high school had me convinced that I wasn't smart just because I couldn't retain that kind of information.

I ended up taking an AP Environmental class my junior year which was the absolute worst decision of my entire life, to this day. I was definitely not made to go through that kind of pressure. Like I mentioned, this was all especially hard for me when I saw all of my closest friends taking all AP classes and still getting A's. Why couldn't I handle one?

Yeah, I was inducted to National Honor Society and National World Language Honor Society, but I never once felt smart. I went all 4 years with such a broken mentality regarding my capabilities that by the time I was a senior, I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with my life. I'm not good at anything.

Most of my classes through high school were not easy. I could have never imagined taking them a step up into AP. However, I did have many teachers who asked why I wasn't in a higher level class. To me, this was crazy. I never scored below an A on a paper that I wrote in high school and I always picked up on every math lesson immediately. I was completely content and happy not stressing myself out and doing well in all of my classes. Why should I try and define myself as "smart" by overworking my brain and allowing more stress into my life? That was the absolute last thing I wanted. I decided AP/ honors classes would ultimately drag my GPA down to the pits of Hell and therefore dramatically limit my college entry rate. Illogical? Maybe. But not at the time.

I took a video production class my senior year solely because I needed the extra elective after dropping my history class. (We only needed 3 years of history). Despite not knowing a soul in that class and having to work on group project after group project with two sophomores I actually really, really loved it. I was good at it. Something about drawing out a movie, setting up the cameras and finding the perfect angles for the shots, and finally editing everything together was so much fun for me. I felt like I had so much freedom to express myself through editing in a studio. I remember leaving that class on my last day of high school. My teacher pulled me aside and told me never to give up video editing, which I thought was pretty weird at the time. He told me I was one of his favorite students that year. It made me feel really good. Looking at it now, I realize that I kind of took that class like a joke. Nothing was serious about it for me. I just wanted to graduate high school. I didn't know that this was something I wanted to do with my life.

Being an expert on something like video production, photoshop, photography, cooking, inventing, painting, or designing is not "good" enough to land you a spot on stage at your high school graduation as valedictorian. And that is okay. 
If I learned anything at all from high school, it's that you don't have to score perfectly on the SAT to know you're a genius.
So what, I wasn't the best in the sciences during high school. That's the beauty of college. I got to choose something I can be successful in. I'm going to be just as successful in the field of Communications as someone really good at Biology will be in their field. In my eyes, neither of us is smarter than the other.

Some people are blessed with amazing precision, accuracy, memory, and technique. These people are potential future surgeons, doctors, and nurses. Others are born with sincerity, social skills, and understanding. I think these people would make the best psychologists, guidance counselors, and personal aides.
I was given the gift of creativity and the ability to do things with my imagination. I love social media. Some people would tell me that this "obsession" is ruining my life and that I need to pick up a book and read. That's wrong to me. I love it because I understand it. I know that I can be an amazing edition to any company when I graduate college because I'll be an expert in something that I absolutely love doing. Even if I don't graduate with a degree in PR, I know for a fact that it won't be in education, chemistry, or calculus. Each and every day, every second I spend scrolling on my iPhone is learning experience for me. I'm taking glimpses into the rest of my life. What's trending on Twitter, popular on Instagram, or being raved about on Tumblr is all important to me. I like to keep up with the latest apps and know what people are talking about all over the world. Maybe I am obsessed with technology. If I was obsessed with reading text books and learning every bone in the body, I may come off as smart and determined to a lot of people. So why is this situation different? Why am I being viewed as lazy?

The pressures of high school really messed up my mentality and it's not fair that it took me 18 years to figure it all out. To this day, absolutely nothing bothers me more than being compared to someone taking all AP classes in high school. I hate to see other students looking down on themselves for this reason, too. Your potential is definitely not measured by a piece of paper with some numbers and percentages.

I could not be happier to be doing something that I love to do. I'm having a blast in college. If I had gone into Rider as a biology major, I know for sure I would not be happy. I can only pray that others will see the potential in themselves quicker than I saw it in me.

THIS RAIN NEEDS TO NOT

This is about to turn into a real heated rant real fast.

So, Rider's campus is small.. About a 12 minute walk from one side of campus to the other. We don't need a bus to get to class and all of the buildings are within a decent walking distance.. On a good day.

Today was probably the rainiest, worst-weathered day this campus has seen all year. I used to love the rain. I liked to take pictures of windows with rain drops on them or sit outside in the rain for fun. It was never a burden to me. Until this year. Rain, snow, and even below freezing weather all discourage me from leaving my dorm building.
I got rain boots for Christmas. I never felt a need to have them in the past, and I couldn't understand why I needed them now.
But now, now I completely understand.
I don't know why, but Rider is literally the most uneven campus in probably the entire world but you can't tell when the sun is out and everything is dry. Days like today, you need a boat to get to class. I swear every single path around campus had some sort of 5 foot deep puddle in the middle of it. This totally wouldn't have been a problem a few months ago. I used to wear my rain boots every single time it rained, even when it drizzled. And everything was dandy. Somehow, somewhere in all of those days of utilizing them, they've accumulated holes--on the bottom, of course. Now stepping into any puddle over and inch deep results in soggy feet for the rest of the day. The worst feeling in the world.
Nothing was worse, though, when I walked to class in the pouring rain and realized that my backpack flap was open and my stuff was soaked.. Later I discovered that wearing my backpack on my chest prevented it from getting  wet when I was using an umbrella. Try it sometime.
To top it off, I had a lot to do and a lot of places to be today. That meant a lot of walking. In crappy weather like this, campus seems to grow 40x in length and the desire to walk anywhere is nonexistent.

With all of that in mind, a couple of weeks ago I brought home my winter jacket--the only jacket I have that is almost completely water resistant and capable of keeping me warm in this weather (and that has a hood that covers all of my head). I had to double up with hoodies and leather jackets because it was raining and cold. That meant a lot of layers, a lot of things to carry and a lot of places to walk. Just not a good day.

But apparently it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow?! I hope so.

I don't know how much more of this weather I can take. I have a feeling Summer isn't going to happen this year. (Or even Spring for that matter)

Cross your fingers.

Missions on Campus

Christian missionaries around the globe tend to travel long and far to reach out to poor communities, repair damaged property, build water wells in 3rd world countries, and even hold secret church meetings in places where it is illegal to practice Christianity. They fundraise for months, maybe even years, so that they can embark on these endeavors. For this reason, almost every Christian thinks that in order to fulfill a "mission" they must gather thousands of dollars, fly themselves, with a church group, to another country, and do labor all day, everyday. Missions trips like those are great - they give us Christians a chance to show God's love through the kindness of giving up our time and physical aid to those who need it. 

Commonly, though, a lot of Christians my age seem to neglect the mission field in their backyard. For me, the backyard is my school campus. The mission field here is endless.

I never got a chance to understand that concept until this year. Since serving with The River (InterVarsity Christian Fellowship), I started to become more aware of life outside of the "Christian bubble." There could be someone living down the hall from me that has never heard of Jesus, the Bible, or Christianity--at all. This was new to me. 

As a fellowship, we've seen how important it is to address this. As a Christian, God has put so many people in my life who have planted the seed, watered it, sat me to the sunlight, and gave me the nutrients to grow into the daughter of Christ that I am. 

I want to help plant that seed on Rider's campus. Next year I have been called to serve on the leadership team for my fellowship - a position that is really important to me. I want my campus to be exposed to a better life with Christ, just as I have been.

In order to prepare for the up and coming school year, my leadership team and I will be attending Basileia (a student leadership conference in upstate New York) from May 17th - 22nd. We will leave the week-long training more equipped and ready to go out and evangelize to our campus and spread the love of Christ. I'll also get to grow in my own personal relationship with God in order to become a more developed leader. 

Would you invest in my leadership development & spiritual formation? 

Here are two ways you can:

1. Prayer.

During Basileia: for unity, transformation & clarity as we hear from God and plan for the next school year. 

After Basileia: that we put what we've learned into practice and continue to seek God as we go forward!

2. Financial support: The cost of the trip is $375. Included in the costs are room & board, excellent training, and the opportunity to get away from the business of life and hear from God in community. (For details you can contact me, Emily Kelley).

From Tumblr to Roommate

Just like any soon-to-be high school graduate, I was very excited to send in my tuition deposit for the school I'd be attending for the next four years. This is a big deal. I picked this school all by myself. My choice.
Anyway, so I posted it on Tumblr. Why? Who knows. Like I said, I was happy.
(In case you need proof that I'm not lying)

Shortly after posting this (April 28, 2013), I get a message in my ask box. I don't remember exactly what it said but it was from this girl who was also going to Rider as freshman. I kind of creeped on her blog a lot and I noticed that she reblogged a lot of the bands that I like (actually just a lot of All Time Low). I decided then that she was cool and we could be friends. After trying to communicate via Tumblr ask box for a few days, we added each other on Facebook and followed each other on Twitter. Here's our first conversation:

I look back at our Facebook messages now and just laugh. I don't actually talk like that. And I don't remember what her profile picture was. I think it was someone from All Time Low. Oh and don't forget the classic ;D I added to that... Actually, yeah, forget all about that. Let's move on.

During the process of talking to Delaney, I was also talking to about three other people, desperately hoping to make friends before moving into school. This was a really weird thing for me. What if I liked someone enough to room with them? Should I ask? What if they don't want to? Would they say yes because they feel guilty? .....This was starting to sound like a really complicated relationship status.

After a while, I kind of just stopped talking to the other three girls. Delaney was all I had left and I was scared she hated me. Obviously, she didn't. I remember very vividly the day we became "official."

I was on my senior trip in Disney world. My friends and I were on a monorail to Epcot and I got this message:

So there's that. We exchanged phone numbers and accepted each other as "roommates" on our housing application and now we live happily ever after in a tiny freshman dorm room on the third floor. (Did you know that heat RISES?)

Living with someone is weird at first. Especially if you're not very talkative, like me. I got used to it quickly, though, and now I find it even weirder when I go home to not have someone to talk to at 2 a.m.

The roommate process didn't freak me out as much as I thought it would. I think I just got really lucky. And if Delaney had never messaged me, I don't know who I would be sharing a room with or if I would have ever been friends with her.

Taking risks is a good thing. You just never know. The worst someone can say is "no."

And I'm glad I didn't :)

Look how cute we are.

P.S. We also attempted a YouTube channel! ---> http://www.youtube.com/user/emandde

I know, we don't update much. Just - be patient. We're still getting used to this college thing. 

Fear of Responsibility

I hate to say it but I actually consider myself a very lazy person. I think I developed this terrible habit somewhere in high school. I refused to take honors/ AP classes (after a bad experience) even when I had the grades to and I wasn't really involved with any clubs. I was a little bit during my freshman year--but it all went downhill from there.
Trying new things has always made me really, really anxious. I hate going to new places without someone I know and I always get nervous talking to new people. This has effected me my entire life so I guess I've gotten used to it.
But I bet you could guess how high my anxiety levels were, moving into college. Completely new people, totally different atmosphere, way more opportunities, and the pressure to get involved in as much as possible. I mean, I only have 4 years at this school. 4 years. is. absolutely. nothing. I can't just sit on my butt all day and not go out and take advantage of the campus while I'm here.
In the fall, I made it my mission to join as many clubs as I could. I signed up to join a lot of different things: InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, photography club, the school radio station, the TV studio, adventure club, student entertainment council, and probably a bunch more that I don't remember off the top of my head.
Unfortunately only a few of those clubs emailed me back, so those were the only ones I really got involved with.
This semester and last I got a job with Bronc Vision. It is almost the perfect job for a communication student like me. We basically shoot, broadcast and control all of the technology behind the basketball games, wresting matches, volleyball matches, etc. Whenever there was a game, I was always busy doing that.
I also helped film a segment for "Backstage Story", a music news program on the school's TV network, called "Alternative Route."
I joined photography club for a day. Then I got an email about the business fraternity needing a photographer for the semester. I'm not really a photographer and my camera isn't really the best but I decided to go for it. Almost every week, on Tuesdays, I spent an hour photographing some professional business person for them--at least I was getting paid, right?
My favorite organization, and probably the only one that, to this day, does not make me feel anxious about, is InterVarsity. Every Wednesday night we have "large group"--a time for us to come together to worship God and hear a short sermon. I also joined a Bible study, lead by one of my friends from high school, on Monday nights. I have done so so so much with the fellowship that I would love to talk about but I shall save that as another post for another day. :) Anyway, starting next year, I was chosen as business coordinator for the fellowship and basically, I'm going to have my hands full. Although, I will have an amazing team of other leaders to work with.
To top all of that off, I went ahead and applied to be photographer and photo editor for the school newspaper! Today I shot and edited the cover photo for tomorrow's paper. I guess this means I should get around to buying a nicer camera. Ya feel? If I get that job, I'll be even busier with my Tuesdays. I'll have classes all day: 9:45am - 9:30pm. Plus, the paper is put out every Wednesday so I would need to have the pictures edited and sized by then. This is all hoping I get the job. So, keep your fingers crossed!

Despite all I've been involved with, all I've worried about, and all of the homework that I didn't even get to mention, I really am enjoying my college experience. I just hope the next 3 years doesn't go as fast as the first one did.
I feel like my life has been changing so much in these past few months - but definitely for the better.
By the time I graduate, I'll be a pro at organization and responsibility! After all, you have to learn something  from an education... Don't you?

Don't be afraid to make yourself busy. And have a great time doing it.

And be careful out there, iPhones shatter easily.